Does a long distance relationship work, and how to ACTUALLY make it work?
A 2018 study showed, that 37% of the couples who were in a long distance relationship, broke up just 3 months after getting together.
Why do you think that is?
Let me approach it from this angle.
It is easy to make just a few mistakes when you aren’t exposed to many situations.
But it is harder to actually have those difficult conversations, and to see if you can work it out together, when both of you had a really bad day.
Also, it is easy to make everything work, when you are only showing the best version of yourself.
But it is harder to actually wear that mask for a long time, and when it finally gets off, the problems will immediately appear.
Table of Contents
- What kills a long distance relationship?
- So, can or does a long distance relationship work?
- What does “know her well” really mean?
- How to make a long distance relationship work?
- So. Can or does a long term relationship work?
What kills a long distance relationship?
- Jealousy – This one is one of the most common mistakes of all. If trust is not present in your relationship, you will have a hard time fighting about why she talked to him, or why she didn’t call you or text you enough times. Overthinking and overreacting the situation because of our insecurities, is a huge relationship killer.
- Misunderstandings – It’s not easy to know what is happening exactly, when we are not present, and often times we get offended for the wrong reasons. So it’s better to make everything clear and to talk it out, so nothing gets misunderstood.
- Not meeting in person for too long – Often times hundreds or thousands of kilometers separate couples apart, and it’s hard to find a way to meet. But according to the law of priorities, we can find time for anything that is really important to us. So make sure you visit each other enough times before it gets too late.
- Not having a life – This is a tricky one, but let me explain. Supposed, that we don’t have a life, hobbies or friends, automatically we will expect her to fill that gap for us. We will get needy with time, constantly texting her and wanting to know how was her day. It’s too much, and it can be really suffocating. Losing attraction is one of the biggest reasons why relationships are ending, and not only the long term ones. So remember why she fell in love with you in the first place.
So, can or does a long distance relationship work?
It can work, and it does work.
But if you don’t want to waste your time, then make sure, that you know her REALLY well, before you sign up for this.
Because let’s be honest, often times we are blinded by love so much, that we don’t even give ourselves the chance to know her.
We feel that she is very special, that she is the one, and that is enough for us.
So please, for your own well-being, know her really well before you engage in a long term relationship, because you might just waste your time on someone who doesn’t even deserve you.
What does “know her well” really mean?
- Live with her at least 6 months – If you have to wait just a few months to finally be in the same place, then it’s alright to wait. But if you need to wait YEARS for her to be together, and you don’t even know how it is to live with her, then you are just buying a car that haven’t been tested yet. It might be a total waste of your time and energy. Who will give those years back to you if it turns out, that you were waiting for something broken? – That’s why it is REALLY important to know her well, before actually engaging in a long distance relationship.
- Make sure she is searching for solutions instead of excuses – If she is someone who will instantly find an excuse why she can’t make it, or if she immediately starts to explain why it will be hard for you to see each other, then you know that she is a professional excuse finder. So make sure, that both of you want to work it out, because it’s not enough that you have feelings towards her. It has to be a 2 way road.
- Know how you argue – It is essential to know how you can argue, because arguments will happen often times, and if she is someone who always wants to be right, or who can’t argue calmly, I would think twice about engaging with her in a relationship.
- Know how you handle difficult times – It is not enough to know how great can be the days spent together, but it is important to know if you can handle each other in your worst moments too. If you can handle each other in those moments as well, then you are good to go.
- Know how she behaves in different environments – She might be a completely different person in different situations, so make sure you know how she behaves:
- In your friend circle
- In her friend circle
- In the presence of your parents
- In the presence of her parents
- Only when two of you spend time together
- When you are apart from each other
- Know if you can trust her – We all can sense it when someone isn’t telling the truth, or if they are hiding something from us. We don’t have to overthink this one, a healthy couple will let each other know where they are going without having to ask. Trust is a hard game to play, and you better find the golden path between these two extremes:
- Trusting her too much – she can go or do whatever she wants, with whomever she wants, and it gives her a feeling that we don’t care about her at all.
- Not trusting her – she will be afraid to even like one of her male friends, because she knows that you will pick a fight with her out of jealousy.
How to make a long distance relationship work?
Now, if you made sure that you know her well, and she turned out to be a great partner to collaborate with, then you are half-way there. When both of you show mutual interest, and when both of you want to make it work, it will most probably FLOW from there.
But we still have some work to do, so let’s see how can we make a long distance relationship work:
- Use the technology in your pocket – Spend some quality time with her at least 1x a week. That’s the minimum. Call her, face time her and talk about whatever comes to your mind. Make sure to be fully present, because it can be transparent when in your mind you are somewhere else, and when you can’t wait to get back to your tasks.
- Win her trust and make sure you trust her back – It’s not easy to trust someone fully, when we are not sure what they are doing day by day. And that is why communication is so important. – If you are playing the assumption game or the detective, then you can make sure, that the trust between the two of you will vanish over time. So, try not to overreact or overthink everything, and make it simple. – Talk it through or ask her nicely. If you don’t agree on something, let her know your point of view, and listen to what she has to say. After all, you have to know if you can handle an argument the right way, remember? – But regardless of the situation, trust NEEDS to be present from both sides, because that’s one indispensable element, that does a long distant relationship work.
- Meet her in person – Travelling hundreds of kilometers, or to the other part of the world can be a great challenge for each of us, but it would be great if you could meet at least once every month. Once every second month could work as well, but be careful not to stretch it for too long, because love fades away, when people are distant. As an ancient proverb says: “Long absent, soon forgotten.” – And it has a lot of truth to it.
- Bring that positive attitude – Be optimistic about your relationship and try to see the good parts in your current situation. It’s not a secret, that being apart from the person you love most, is going to be hard, so you’ll need to bring some positive expectations with yourself along the way.
- Agree on a deadline – It clearly does a long distance relationship work much better, if both of you make it clear when this state of being apart will end. So make sure you agree on a deadline when you can finally be together.
- Know where you will meet afterwards – Whether you will go to her, whether she will come to you, or whether you decide to move to another city, you have to know where the relationship will continue. You don’t have to force this topic too much, but don’t forget to talk about it, and to find out if both of you were thinking about the same location.
- Avoid too much texting or calling – It can be a huge turn off for her, if you are texting or calling her all day. It will give her a feeling, that you don’t have anything going on in your life. – What’s more, you don’t even give her the chance to miss you. It is too much, and it’s just a matter of time when she will take the courage to ask for some space. So, if you want to make it work, then avoid texting or calling her all day, and pay attention to the last point, because it’s crucial.
- Don’t put your life on hold – Go hit the gym. Build on your business. Read some self-development books. Don’t just lay back, thinking that you hit the jackpot, and now you don’t have to do anything. This is where most men fail, when they take their partner for granted. – Even in a long term relationship, you still have to remain a high-value man, because that is how you’ll sustain her attraction. Besides, if you don’t have a life or hobbies, you will only suffocate her with your neediness, which will eventually turn her off completely. So stay focused, don’t put your life on hold, and keep being attractive for her.
So. Can or does a long term relationship work?
Yes, it can work.
Yes, it does work.
And yes, it will work, if both of you are high-integrity and high-value individuals, who will always strive to make your relationship a better place to be in.
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Until next time.
Thomas Kallos – Find Your Ideal Partner