3-Step Formula on How to Have Realistic Expectations When Searching for the Right Partner (+1 Hidden Exercise)

Not sure if you have realistic expectations or not?

Then follow this 3-step formula on how to have realistic expectations when searching for the right partner, and find it out.

Table of Contents

How to have realistic expectations, when searching for the right partner

  • Expectations are just our thoughts.
  • It’s what we think is a minimum must.
  • It’s what we want in that person, how we want them to look like, and how we expect them to perform.

If there’s a gap between what we expect and what they give us, then usually we will experience pain and disappointment. The bigger the gap, the bigger the pain and disappointment.

Being disappointed

Some expectations are good and healthy, and they should definitely be there. But some of them just aren’t. So we got to make sure, that we are choosing the right expectations.

Because if we hold up a potentially great partner to these high expectations, and if we want them to meet all of our needs, all the time, then we are really just chasing them away from our lives. And ultimately, we will never find our ideal partner, only because of the image we’ve built for so long, about how an ideal partner should look like, or how an ideal partner should perform.

So, let’s see, how to have realistic expectations, when searching for the right partner.

1) Long-lasting relationships – Accumulating experience and having a reference


  • How do you know, that you met the right partner for you?
  • How do you know, that she’s the one?
  • HOW?

Of course, we might have those intense and warm feelings in the beginning, when we are just getting to know each other, and when everything is completely new. It’s so exciting to be in that emotional high.

But those butterflies and that honeymoon phase can be our biggest enemy in terms of finding your ideal partner, if it blinds us. Because we can never ignore any red flags, regardless how deeply we fell in love with that person.

And yes, I know, sometimes it feels impossible to control our feelings, and to control with whom we should fall in love with. But if we bring our awareness to the right spots, then we can influence our feelings more easily.

Feeling that emotional high

Now, ask yourself:

  • If you only worked in one place in your life, how do you know how does a great job look like? That includes great colleagues, a great salary, a peaceful atmosphere, doing what you like, and many other factors.
  • If you only worked in one place in your life, how do you know what a good boss really looks like?
  • Or if you only lived in one place in your life, how do you actually know how does an amazing city look like for you, to live in?
  • What are you comparing it with?
  • What is the reference?
  • How do you actually know what’s on the market?

This is why it’s important for you to experience at least 1 or 2 times being in a relationship.

  • This way, you’ll know much better what you really want, and what you don’t tolerate.
  • Plus, that high won’t be so intense, and most likely it won’t blind you that much, since it’s not something completely new for you.

Of course, there are some exceptions to this, and I know some couples who have been together since their childhood, and they form such a great team. But honestly, that’s so rare, and that’s not how the majority of these cases really end.

  • We need that experience to know what is bad. To have some counter examples as well.
  • We need that experience to be able to appreciate the good in the contrast of the bad, and to know how to take care of it when we found it.
  • And we need that experience to learn from all those small, ridiculous mistakes.

Nothing works perfectly at first, so does a relationship with zero experience.

2) Your expectations on a list – Write them down

I know many guys who have a lot of options, but their expectations are too damn high, and that’s the main reason why they wouldn’t find their ideal partner.

So, if you truly want to know how to have realistic expectations, then you’ll have to define them, and write them down.

It’s actually an extremely powerful exercise, which will help you to clarify what’s in your mind, and what are your TRUE expectations.

And for this, you’ll need a piece of paper, you’ll have to make some time for yourself, and to think it through, with patience.

Now, this is where that experience from your previous relationships come really handy. Because you’ll define your current expectations according to what you don’t tolerate in a person, and what you really need.

So. You can think about the experiences from your previous relationships as a reference.

Experience from previous relationships

So, what I want you to write down on that piece of paper is:

  • What you can’t stand in a partner.
  • What you don’t tolerate at all.
  • And what you absolutely need in a spouse.

It can be something like:

  • “I can’t stand if she is constantly being hysteric.”
  • “I don’t tolerate if she is lying to me.”
  • “I absolutely need her to have a great sense of humor.”

All of these points should be “NO NEGOTIATION” points. So try to write down only those, which really bother you, or what you’re really looking for in a partner.

Try to be as realistic as you can, also, try to be specific, but ultimately, be honest with yourself, and let it all out. See what’s in your mind, without being judgmental with yourself.

3) Honest reality check – Is it really fair and realistic what you expect?

Now that you have the list of expectations in front of you, take a big breath, pause for a moment, and take a look at it.

What do you see?

  • Does it look like a healthy list of expectations?
  • Is it too much?
  • Or maybe it seems like you don’t have that many expectations, and because of that, usually people are using you?

Just take a look at it for a few minutes, to have an overall picture, and to make a quick reality check.

Now. Here comes the real reality check.

Take a look at the list again, and ask yourself honestly, one by one:

How to have realistic expectations
  • How rare is a person like this in real life? – Just think about all your current friends for a moment. Do you know a specific person, or ANYBODY, with all these traits combined? It’s important to note, that you should only come up with examples, who you already know, not just people you barely met.
  • Is it achievable? – Do you think you can actually find a person you just described? Does this person actually exist? Are these expectations realistic? Ask yourself.
  • How long will it take to find someone like that? – We have to understand that we don’t have infinite time to find that “perfect partner”. And if you’re close to your 30s, and have been trying to find someone special for the past 2-3 years, then maybe your expectations are really getting in your own way.
  • Is it fair? – Is it fair to expect from a girl to be 9.5/10, to be skinny, to have straight blonde hair and green eyes, to be tall, and to have a great body? Oh, and these were only about looks, we didn’t even talk about her performance and what we don’t tolerate. It might not be fair. Right? So ask yourself if it is fair to expect all that from someone?
  • What if she expected the same thing from you? – If the same expectations were to be applied on you, would you be totally fine about it? Would you agree that these are fair expectation towards you?

So at this point you’ll need some brutal honesty, because this is the only way how to have realistic expectations, and how to find out whether you have too high expectations or not.

By laying it all out in front of you, and by talking it through, patiently, in an honest way.

  • If you have a feeling that it’s too much what you expect, then try to lower them.
  • If you feel like anything is good for you, and you don’t really have many expectations, then work on your self-esteem a bit, and start loving yourself more. That will raise your expectations.
  • And if you feel like you don’t know exactly what you want, then define them, and be more specific. Give yourself a bit more time, and find out what your true self wants and expects from another person.

Right now, you are at step 7/10, in the 10-step system on how to find your ideal partner.

Continue the system with the next small bite, here.

If you don’t know about this system yet, BUT you truly want to find your ideal partner, then see the full 10-step system here.

Thank you for reading through. If you liked this post, please consider subscribing to my newsletter down below, for more dating and relationship advice.

Until next time.

Take care.

Thomas Kallos Find Your Ideal Partner

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